We are leaving in an hour and a half for the movie theatre. It is the largest, most crowded, and also apparently most beautiful theatre in all of India. It is a two and a half hour film so there will be a ten minute break in the middle. It already sounds so bizarre to me. But it will be air conditioned, there will be junk food, and I won't understand a word. I honestly cannot wait.
On the five hour bus ride into Jaipur yesterday morning, I was thinking about how I'm excited to start traveling on my own. Not that I haven't enjoyed traveling with Lee---I truly have---but I'm also looking forward to branching out on my own. Nothing against Lee, or anyone else for that matter, but just the idea of going, doing, seeing, and learning on my own makes me jittery with excitement. I started thinking about how I'm so determined to be independent and questioning why that is.
People expected Lee to go everywhere with me in Baga, and that actually bothered me. The day we went to the beach, he left before I did, so I ended up at the beach by myself for a bit, and then walked back on my own. When I got back, the guys at the bar were all shocked when they asked where I'd been and I said the beach. "Alone?!"
"Yes, alone."
The idea of needing a man with me at all times for the sake of protection---or anything, really---is actually quite infuriating. As soon as you tell me I can't do something on my own, I'm going to be determined to prove you wrong. Especially in such a male-driven society as this one, when they are allowed to do as they please and the women are just supposed to be quiet. You see, that only encourages me further to prove something. What am I proving though? Probably nothing, in reality, but it still feels important.
It's so strange for me, interacting with the people here. It has always been easier for me to get along with males rather than females, probably because of my brothers. But in this culture, I'm being told and shown that things don't work that way here. I don't mean to sound disrespectful with what I'm about to say, but I just continue on my way, being exactly who I am. And for this trip, that means that I'm sorry if it inconveniences them, but I'm not going to be intimidated by the differences.
While staring out my window and listening to rap to remind me of home (how silly), I tried to figure out why I feel the need to prove myself. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I don't have a healthy father figure. I mean really, none. Lee is my uncle, not my father. My uncles on my dad's side are hardly even their own proper roles, much less a fatherly one. I know that Justin takes a lot of that on, and it comes out in his protectiveness. I try to remind him that he is my big brother and he can always be that, but he loves me and cares so of course he tries to fill the spaces that he knows are empty.
But my brothers are my brothers, and they are the ones I have to thank. They are the ones who've taught me all that I know about what it means to be a man. So instead of wallowing in the fact that I am such a cliche with my overused daddy issues, I'm just going to accept the fact that it's turned me into someone desperate for independence. Someone unafraid. Someone capable. Sure it's caused a few problems, but I don't want to view it as a part of my life that's missing. Instead, I just look at the people who've stepped up and filled it.
So much for writing things people actually want to read. I guess I'm just trying to keep up with all the things I'm learning and seeing and feeling, and that feels important. However, I realize I am not giving proper dedication to India itself. That's what the pictures will be for later, but even then, ultimately, you won't understand until you get here.
Now, I'm off to dream of the chocolate I'll have and rest before yet another crazy Indian experience takes place in the form of a Bollywood film.
On the five hour bus ride into Jaipur yesterday morning, I was thinking about how I'm excited to start traveling on my own. Not that I haven't enjoyed traveling with Lee---I truly have---but I'm also looking forward to branching out on my own. Nothing against Lee, or anyone else for that matter, but just the idea of going, doing, seeing, and learning on my own makes me jittery with excitement. I started thinking about how I'm so determined to be independent and questioning why that is.
People expected Lee to go everywhere with me in Baga, and that actually bothered me. The day we went to the beach, he left before I did, so I ended up at the beach by myself for a bit, and then walked back on my own. When I got back, the guys at the bar were all shocked when they asked where I'd been and I said the beach. "Alone?!"
"Yes, alone."
The idea of needing a man with me at all times for the sake of protection---or anything, really---is actually quite infuriating. As soon as you tell me I can't do something on my own, I'm going to be determined to prove you wrong. Especially in such a male-driven society as this one, when they are allowed to do as they please and the women are just supposed to be quiet. You see, that only encourages me further to prove something. What am I proving though? Probably nothing, in reality, but it still feels important.
It's so strange for me, interacting with the people here. It has always been easier for me to get along with males rather than females, probably because of my brothers. But in this culture, I'm being told and shown that things don't work that way here. I don't mean to sound disrespectful with what I'm about to say, but I just continue on my way, being exactly who I am. And for this trip, that means that I'm sorry if it inconveniences them, but I'm not going to be intimidated by the differences.
While staring out my window and listening to rap to remind me of home (how silly), I tried to figure out why I feel the need to prove myself. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I don't have a healthy father figure. I mean really, none. Lee is my uncle, not my father. My uncles on my dad's side are hardly even their own proper roles, much less a fatherly one. I know that Justin takes a lot of that on, and it comes out in his protectiveness. I try to remind him that he is my big brother and he can always be that, but he loves me and cares so of course he tries to fill the spaces that he knows are empty.
But my brothers are my brothers, and they are the ones I have to thank. They are the ones who've taught me all that I know about what it means to be a man. So instead of wallowing in the fact that I am such a cliche with my overused daddy issues, I'm just going to accept the fact that it's turned me into someone desperate for independence. Someone unafraid. Someone capable. Sure it's caused a few problems, but I don't want to view it as a part of my life that's missing. Instead, I just look at the people who've stepped up and filled it.
So much for writing things people actually want to read. I guess I'm just trying to keep up with all the things I'm learning and seeing and feeling, and that feels important. However, I realize I am not giving proper dedication to India itself. That's what the pictures will be for later, but even then, ultimately, you won't understand until you get here.
Now, I'm off to dream of the chocolate I'll have and rest before yet another crazy Indian experience takes place in the form of a Bollywood film.
I just want you to know how much I am enjoying reading all of these now, after having seen you post-experiences, and because it gives me a chance to see into your head.
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